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  • Writer's pictureThe Cheeky Mummy

Eurovision - Smelly Sacks, Bingo Wings and Tourette's

Meself and himself are partial to a bit of Eurovision, I'm not sure why but probably something to do with the sneer value of the whole thing. Its just opportunity after opportunity to throw out sneery bitchy comments like I am queen of the fecking castle sitting in my semi-D with a glass of Lidl wine. Of course I know these people are more glamorous and interesting than me, better looking and younger but FECK IT I'm allowed my opinions (upon reading this paragraph himself just told me my writing reminds him Ross O'Carroll Kelly but trampier.......bloody charming, he'd better make friends with Pamela for tonight)

Anyway in no particauler order here are my observations of last nights show

1. Are mirrors banned in the dressing rooms!?! Like do some of these people see themselves! Some buck (I can't remember where he was from) landed out on stage looking like Van Helsing. And that was just the start, there was abomination after abomination arriving out onto that stage....seriously lads like WTF, I thought every man and his dog has stylists these days

2. You had to feel it for the wee one representing the UK when that weirdo arrived and took her microphone, she handled it well to be fair. I'm not sure what yer man was bawling about (probably Brexit so I can't be arsed to find out coz I'm sick the me gilders of hearing about Brexit) but did you notice that he wasn't out there trying to wrestle the mic off the singers from Serbia or Denmark. I might have had a bit of respect for him and his cause if he had coz that would have been dedication, but taking it off something that looked like she sneaks in and out of my daughters fairy door at night just doesn't make me want to listen. Graham Norton did over dramatise the whole thing though, banging on for ages about how she must have been 'terrified' *Insert eye roll here*

The big buck from Denmark, nobody was trying to steal his mic!

3. Sweden should be ashamed of themselves, I'm not sure if he was ripping off Timberlake or channeling Jackson but either way it was shite and I've seen better wannabes in a Tenerife Karaoke bar

4. I did get a genuine chuckle out of Graham Norton taking the piss out of the fact that most of the showcased Portuguese places were "scrubland overlooking ocean". On a side note please don't send me any hate mail about the fact that if I can quote Norton I was watching BBC not RTE. I find him infinitely more entertaining so I offer no apologies

5. I know its wrong but I enjoyed the Netherlands offering. Kind of Garth Brooks meets Big & Rich. If you don't know who Big & Rich are then do yourself a solid favour and hit the following link for 'Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy' you can thank me later ;)

Beware the clap of a bingo wing

6. Ah Australia......we'll draw a descrete veil over the fact that they are in the contest at all because I'm feeling an afinity with yer woman singing their song. Before I start I am gonna point out that I am bigger than her so by default I'm allowed say the following: That poor cow is gonna look at the replay of this (she is undoubtledy Sky+ing it coz so would you if you were on Eurovison) and she's gonna realise what a mistake she made. I know she was looking at herself in her outfit thinking she was looking shocking well althogher, and amoungst normal people she was. But you see she wasn't amoungst normal people..... every female that graced that stage before her looked like they were in need of a good spice bag so when yer woman landed out she looked like hefelump. She's giving it wellie with her dance moves and all I can imagine is the skinny birds in her vacinity diving for cover for fear of getting a clap of a bingo wing

7. People behave like awful dickheads when the voting rolls around, especially the performers. There was grown ass humans hiding behind their booths and then jumping out with their flags after a couple of nail biting seconds (sarcasm in case you missed it), I mean you could see the tops of their heads all along FFS! And then silly cows crying and making heart shapes at the camera with their fingers and thumbs because somebody gives them one point 3 votes in. You'd want to be in the whole of your health to be dealing with clowns like that

Them trousers would be making ya sweat alright

8. I liked Austria's song and he was a pleasant looking chap but what was he thinking with them plastic looking trousers (see point 1) JAAAAAAYSUS I'd say there was an awful bang* of his scrotum!

*bang means smell if you are not familiar with that lingo you may be confused

9. The big fella who wrote the winning song for Israel made me look twice..... I wasn't sure if it was one of the bucks from Right Said Fred at first. The song was grand but 'Netta' twitching, making random squeaking noises and voluntarily going cock-eyed was a bit too reminiscent of Pete with Tourette's that was on Big Brother a few years ago for my liking

10. So Israel win (explain to me how they are in Europe?) ....... I'm not getting political but I wonder if Palestinian children could sleep a little sounder in their beds last night hoping Israeli troops were distracted by the celebrations.

The Cheeky Mummy - Cara Carter runs Cheeky Squeaks teaching Pregnancy Yoga, Baby Massage and Baby & Toddler Yoga in Rathfarnham, for more info select the relevant tabs above

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